Please note: This is a really silly page with really silly words. You should click another link if this doesn’t sound like your cup of tea.
Jonny always dreamed of becoming supreme leader of earth. Not in an egotistical way; only so that he could enact really pointless laws that would disrupt the world and make everything extremely annoying.
Here were some of his laws – all in his own ridiculous words:
Transportation laws
- Red on a traffic light now means go, green means go, and amber means do anything (oh, amber). the speed limit is 50 upwards. all road law things are abolished.
- I have a new law, that I would put in place should I be successful in my application to be Head of Transport for London: all buses have to go to every stop in London on their route. it is up to the driver to choose which way he goes. oyster is abolished. payment is made by cheque only. buses are only allowed enough fuel for 10 miles. no bus is ever allowed to take notice of traffic lights, or adhere to speed limits.
- I have a new law for buses. so before I have said that people wait behind the bus stop then jump out with a second to go and the driver has to slam on his brakes. Also I have said before that every journey is paid for by cheque but new law is the driver has to call the bank of the customer to check that it will clear. Also the driver changes at each stop and has a medical at the bus stop including a drug search. Also each bus has to have a full MOT at each stop during driver change.
- I have a new law : bus is the only legal mode of transport. Even walking is illegal.
- I have constructed a new law: in the whole of London there is to only be one station, and one bus stop. To make everything proper pony.
Pedestrian laws
- You always have to sprint everywhere.
Film laws
- New movie law : all new movies have to have every actor that has been in a film ever on screen at all times. And every film is the same.
- NEW LAW REGARDING FILMS: All films have to be 700 years long and have everyone on earth in them at some point.
- Jonny recorded this idea for film music:
Supermarket laws
- You have to complete shopping in 5 minutes. All supermarkets are built sideways, i.e. upwards into the sky. Shopping is achieved with a series of ladders. Don’t ask me how it works. But it has to.
Weird laws
- Everyone that has ever died has to be recreated like either (it’s not thought through) a drone or a cardboard cut out maybe, and housed in a replica of the house they lived in. it has to be built as near to where they used to live, and they have to be taken to their old job. so everyone from 4,000,000 B.C.
- All humans are to be called ‘winket o’winky woo’ and this has to be said at the beginning of each sentence in a conversation.
- I have a couple of new laws: you know the sounds of the checkouts in the supermarket, all beeps etc should be replaced with gunfire and machine gun sounds and fireworks. And in every restaurant, all people have to move around in electronic wheelchairs and when the music stops every 4 minutes everyone has to change seats.
- I have a new law regarding the internet. Because of being continually asked if it is ok for sites to use cookies I have decided that all sites have to ask permission for each single piece of programming involved in order to function. and as each new piece of information is sent permission is required. To say yes you have to fill out a form and post it and wait for confirmation in order to proceed. Everyone then is shot. And earth is fired at Saturn a lot. Then a machine is created that saws earth in half, for the bants. Maybe I would have to tweak the order of the last three events.
Football laws
- I have new laws for football: if at the end of the game the referee decides that he doesn’t like the result, he can change it to what he wants. or he can order a penalty shootout whatever the score. so if Wolves beat Spain 14-0 the ref can say no, that’s a shootout. But then there are a series of coin tosses, best of 93, and whoever wins gets to go first and gets 5 penalties. The side that lose the coin toss get 1 penalty. The ref can change the result of the the coin toss and subsequent shootout, but then the crowd is let on to the pitch. In fact, while I’m on, the crowd is allowed on the pitch at all times, and the game can be played up in the stands. There will also be toilets everywhere. By the way, the ref is a dog.
- I have a new idea for the World Cup inspired by a discussion on talk sport today. The World Cup will be competed for by every team in the world. There will be group stages, and when these are completed in approximately 30 years, a knockout series. The teams must be the same as at the start of the tournament. If a team member dies, then the whole team will be shot, along with their families and other random people and pets. fires will be started. And not finished. The prize for winning the cup is automatic entry into the next tournament. And a machine will be built that fires the moon at earth, next week. An added rule to the new world cup laws: everyone in the world must be in a team at the start, even newborn babies. the rule also extends to household pets so one of the group games might be Brazil v some dogs.
- Half time lasts for the whole game and the crowd has to be there but the teams stay in the dressing rooms. If the crowd doesn’t turn up, their team is shot. In the face. I have changed the law, to: everyone will be shot, in the face, at least a bit. Final change to law: earth will be blown up, at half time. which is then full time. It’s a violent law.
- Every 6 minutes out of 10 when the ball is received it must be hoofed up into the air as high as possible. It would spoil all games, which would be funny. The penalty for breaking the rule is crucifixion and being shot in the face, as well as everyone in the family tree of culprit being fired out of a canon whilst being crucified and shot. Preferably in the face.
Sport laws
- In light of the drug cheat situation in athletics, I have ‘drawn up’ a NEW LAW. : all athletes wishing to participate in any sport has to take every drug in existence before competing. Any athlete caught not pumped full of drugs will be shot, and then their entire living family tree wiped from the planet. All supervising staff including TV commentators must be high on every drug known to man, if a commentator is found not totally smashed, a whole country will be blown up. Clause two: earth will be blown up
- NEW LAW: Cricket is to be abolished and replaced with nothing. i.e. people who play and watch it still have to go, but there is nothing there. Note: or they don’t have to go. Either is fine. Or the law can be cricket can be cancelled or not. it can be anything. it’s not a definite thing it’s quite rubbish.
Update: I’ve rewritten the law…. NEW LAW: things can be abolished or cancelled, or not.
Overly general laws
- New law: everything is good except bad stuff
- I have a new law that everyone has to look the wrong way whatever they are doing.
Really annoying laws
- I have an amazing new law regarding emails: everyone in the world has the same address and password.
- New law for books: there is only one book with everything in it in the world and that has to be purchased for studying. Or death.
- I have a new law regarding computers. Windows will be abolished anyone caught using it will be flattened and put in a window. It will be replaced by a new OS called circle thing. You can only open one circle at a time and the close button is invisible and forever moving at 3,000,000 mph. Furthermore, you are only allowed to open one circle every day, so for instance, the beginning of day two is spent trying to close the first circle then once you have done that you wait until day three to open window two. The Internet will be changed back to dialup.